I have been angry for over a week now - not all the time but - a quiet brooding anger that surfaced and has now fallen back down below the level where it can resurface as rage. I have had anger isues a lot of my life, I may have not got the red hair but I got the quick temper. That is all it is; a quick temper, it flares up, surfaces and then goes away, no sulking or brooding or anything like that, it rarely lasts for more than minutes and at the most an hour I find that as my core in life is to enjoy every minute that time wasted sulking or with other negative emotions is time wasted.
So why this long anger?
I think it is associated with the pain, I am now in pain nearly 24 hours a day, it is a variable pain and comes and goes in its intensity but it always there nagging. I rang the hospital to find out about my surgery and found that I was classed as routine! So my date is now the end of September - I have worked hard this past year and achieved well (have I mentioned that I got a 1st overall in my end of first year exams :D) and now because of the hospitals incompetance I am now having to wait, and I may have to defer my second year if I miss 6 weeks at the start of term. My surgeon is on holiday and they close down the theatres for 2 weeks during the summer. If I go in as an emergency I then put people with cancer down the queue - is my life less valuable than theirs I wonder - is my quality of life - which at the moment is lacking - worth putting their lives at risk so I can at least enjoy mine. I cannot eat without pain, drinking alcohol is fun I am now a cheap date - I get drunk very quickly. I am frustrated trying to decide. It's my mums 80th on the 5th August, Fitz's 21st on the 22nd so do I get my self admitted and sorted or do I wait until the pain becomes over whelming?
Someone said to me that I should not be so cheerful all the time - if I appear to be unhappy and vocalise my pain maybe the powers that be would take me more seriously - but I believe that if you act this way then it gives power to the Crohns - and I want the power - to ignore it (treating it with respect) I want it to live with me not me with it!
I love life too much to give away my power so I wil continue to be happy and strong and not let the anger out and the sadness in.
